Black out drinking has caused me and the people I love the most pain. Often I don't know what's worse, dealing with the shame afterwards and knowing people think less of you, or not being able to connect fully with the idea or what happened because there is no memory of it for you. There have been times that I have been black out drunk that have led to me doing things I didn't want sexually, drink driving, trying to make out with/sexually assaulting friends that didn't want it, yelling at friends and people and being mean, losing things and hurting myself, sometimes breaking my own bones. Although I've definitely gotten better over the years, and it;s taken years for me to recognise and change, I still think about ordering the strongest drink for 'bang for buck' and I still have a pull inside me that tugs, drink drink drink. It's a complicated act to forgive yourself and have more love and less toxic shame when there feels like there's more and more reason to hate yourself. But I do think the more I focus on caring for myself and for others, the shame that is left over can be constructive. Can help me make smarter choices. I'm going to try and be sober for life now, and a part of me feels sad about that. That feels hard and I'm trying to think of other substances that might be able to replace alcohol. I think that's telling of all of us. There's a pain we are trying to run from, and it may follow us to our graves until we face it.