Hi Jade,
It's great to hear you view your past self positively; I can see why that might make a dream like this rather confusing and disturbing. I'm afraid I'm not a licensed dream analyst, so I can't give you any definite answers here (if there are such things, when dealing with dreams). I would strongly urge you to find a therapist or other mental health professional with experience in dream analysis, if you want a proper deep dive into this and any other dreams you may be having. But in the meantime, I can offer you some questions to ask yourself that might help you discover the answer on your own.
- Why might your child self have wanted to die? Did you experience any dark thoughts like this when you were that age? If you've been stressed at all, it might be bringing up memories of such times even if you no longer feel that low. Otherwise, this might be more symbolic—maybe you feel as if something you are doing now is disappointing your inner child, suffocating her. If you've recently given up on a dream, or even if you're just generally unhappy with the direction your life is taking, that could be a factor here.
- On a related note, do you feel like you've betrayed yourself in anyway? This may be especially relevant if you attacked her in the dream because you were upset at her choices—not to mention the "betrayal" of you attacking her. Or if betrayal seems too strong a word, consider whether you've disappointed yourself in some way lately—maybe you made yourself a promise you didn't keep, or set a goal you failed to achieve?
- Have you seen or watched anything lately that might have triggered the imagery in this dream? Often our dreams pull imagery from recent external stimuli—so, for example, maybe you watched a TV show where someone died of monoxide poisoning or punched someone else in the face.
In general, if you're wondering about your dreams, it's always a good idea to journal about it—try listing out all of the different elements of your dream, and then consider what relevance they have to your waking life. Don't just think about what physically happened, think about how you felt and how that might relate to feelings you've been dealing with during the day.
I hope I've been helpful here, and I hope you have better dreams tonight. Feel free to reply here or comment elsewhere on the blog if you have any further questions, comments, concerns, etc., and I'll reply as soon as I can.
Take care,
Kim