i litterly cant sleep at this point because i keep getting nightmares about family and/or friends finding out i hurt myself and the worst one was when my nana found out i cut myself with a really sharp thingy and by the way she died when i was 3 so when i woke up i instantly started crying and i felt so bad i upset her , im not really a religious person at all but i kinda felt like she was real tho , felt like she was mad at my dad (her son) who married my mom cuz she hits me and pulls my hair and calls me curse words but i felt like it was my fault i cut myself but tbh i cant tell people about it cuz whenever i do they cry ; my boyfriend , mybest friend and my close friens always cry and i feel horrible but i can never stop , one of my friends threatened to tell people that i did it and now i cant talk to her abt it cuz i dont wanna get told on :/ my best friend doesnt rlly care that i do it so... idk but all my friends and my bf do self harm so i have to be like a therapist to them constantly putting their needs first , right now im in my bed and its like 5 in da morning n ive been awake the whole time drinking energy drinks cuz im afraid 2 sleep cuz ive been having nightmares days on end but im also adraid to stay awake cuz i cant control wat i do and theres a blade besideme right now :( i cant liveup to wat people want from md, im a failure , i got bad grades , im fat , ugly , ive ruined my body , my voice is horrible ... i could go on and on , i just wanna end it becase i keep letting ppl down i just cant , i wanna run away from all my problems , infact they dont even feel like nightmares cuz i enjoy them and its idk nice i guess ... idk anymore , ive lost everything , friends and stufvv like all out of control cuz my mom made me move city house n school away from my bf and friends , i cant stop thinking abt my bf tho cuz now hes got an eating disorder and so do i but i dont wanna tellhim cuz i dont wanna p1$$ him off so i just dream abt him n stufv and i think abt him evry day so i firgotwhyim alive haha im just ramblibg cuz ive nothing to doooo AAA