Hi Madi,
I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with nightmares and self-harm urges lately. It is great that you've managed to stay clean so far, and even better that you are going to therapy. However, it sounds like therapy isn't helping as much as you hoped it would. I would strongly suggest talking to your therapist about this issue if you're able—do they know that you feel like therapy isn't helping? Simply telling them this may help them find new, better ways to work with you in the future.
It's also important to make sure that you are actively participating in the therapy process. Talking to someone is a critical first step, but if your therapist is giving you exercises to do or thought experiments to try, or any kind of therapeutic "homework," it's vital to make sure that you are working on these things and putting real thought and consideration into them. I know it can be difficult when you already feel so low, but these things can help, and it's important to do them to see if they will make helpful recovery tools for you or not. (I don't know if you are doing this already or not, so I wanted to mention it just in case this is something you might be struggling with. I know many people do.)
It is also possible that this is simply a case of mismatch between therapist and patient. If you've been working together for a while, as you mentioned, and you don't feel like you can trust this person or like they're understanding what you need in order to get well, it may be worth considering if you should try finding someone else to work with. There is no shame in this, nor should your current therapist take it personally—we all need different things to recover, and having someone in your corner that you can truly connect with and who understands you on a deeper level can make all the difference.
I also understand not wanting to "stress out" your family; I kept my self-harm to myself for a long time for similar reasons. But if your family loves you, the most important thing to them will be your well being. And if I were your family, I would want to know about what you're going through and help, rather than have you keep me in the dark to "protect" me from stress. Obviously, I don't know your family or how you relate to them, but if you have reason to believe they would be supportive and understanding about what you're dealing with, please do consider talking to them as well. The stronger your support system is, the smoother the path to recovery becomes.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to reply here or comment again elsewhere on the blog if you have more questions or concerns you'd like to share. I'll be reading.
Sincerely,
Kim