Hi Alex,
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry about what you've been going through. As LL mentioned already in their reply, self-harm can definitely be tempting during times like this but it is never a good solution. It is good that you are worried about these feelings, and it is good that you reached out to your mom for help and commented here as well. I completely understand about feeling uncomfortable talking about your problems with someone else, but LL is right, if you can it would absolutely be beneficial for you to get in contact with a counselor or therapist.
The thing to remember is,. most people aren't comfortable in therapy at first, and therapists know this. You don't have to talk about anything you're not ready to, and they can't force you. So you can take it slowly; you might even begin simply by letting them know that you are uncomfortable and worried about the situation. A good therapist will help you work through these barriers and feel more comfortable over time, at your own pace. (And remember, you can always change therapists if you don't feel a connection with the first one you find. I do suggest giving it some time, because you will likely be uncomfortable at first either way, but over time if you feel this person is not helping you, it is absolutely all right to seek out a different option. Not every therapist is right for every patient, and it's important to find someone you feel you can trust--though that trust may take a while to build up.)
If it helps, keep this in mind—you've just talked about your problems with me (even if only a little), and I don't hate you. Reading about your situation makes me hope that you can find the help you need to feel better. And others who hear your story may be helped by simply knowing that they are not the only ones going through something like what you're going through. You are not alone; please do not forget that.
If you have more questions or just need to talk more about this topic, please feel free to reply here or comment elsewhere on the blog. I'll be here, reading.
Wishing you the best of luck in your recovery journey,
Kim