Hello Heidi,
Thank you for commenting. I am so sorry to hear that you've been struggling; it certainly sounds like you have a lot on your plate, emotionally speaking. While I won't say I know exactly how you are feeling, I can certainly empathize with a lot of what you shared, and I understand how hard it can all be to cope with—especially when you feel like you don't have anyone close to you that you can speak with about it.
Self-diagnosing can definitely be an easy trap to fall into. But if you are hurting (whether emotionally or physically or both), then that is something to take seriously and to try and address, regardless of the "official" diagnosis you might end up with.
It sounds like you don't feel comfortable talking with your family about your feelings or your urge to self-harm, but would it be possible to reach out to someone else? I realize you might not be able to schedule a therapy session on your own, but does your school maybe have a free counselor you could talk to without necessarily needing to ask your parents about it first? If that's not an option, you might also consider calling a free hotline—these can be SO helpful, especially in particularly difficult moments—or even joining an online support group of some kind. There are also free online chat services like 7 cups that are manned by volunteers—while these people may not be able to offer advice, per se, they can listen to you when you need someone to talk to that you can trust to keep your conversation private.
Here are some resources you can check out to get started:
https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…
As for your dreams, they definitely seem tied to the urge you mentioned to self-harm—they are likely your brain's attempt to sort out your worries and feelings, and your (completely understandable) desire for relief from those feelings. (However, keep in mind I am not a professional dream analyst.)
In any case, the most important thing I want you to remember is this: your feelings are valid. Your experiences are valid. And you deserve to feel better, and to be treated (and to treat *yourself*) with kindness and empathy. I am glad that you have not self-harmed yet; it is more difficult to stop once you've started than to never start at all. However, even if you do wind up hurting yourself (as much as I hope you don't), remember that recovery IS still very much possible.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to reply here or comment on my other posts if you have further questions or concerns. I'll be reading.
Sincerely,
Kim