Hi Lea,
No need to apologize, I think I understand your comment just fine. Thank you for sharing your story--those dreams sound pretty intense, and I imagine they must be difficult to cope with at times. Since you self-harm in real life as well, I think it is safe to assume your dreams are a direct result of that--though please do keep in mind, I am not a licensed clinician and cannot formally interpret your dreams for you. What I will say is this: it seems like your dreams *may* be reflecting some of the intense feelings that often accompany self-harm. As such, they may be your mind's way of trying to work through those feelings while you sleep.
I know you mentioned that no one knows you self-harm, and I would never say you "have" to come out to a friend or family member if you're not ready yet. But I can tell you from experience that it's all at least a bit easier to cope with--and eventually recover from--when you have at least one person you can talk to about it. If you don't want to discuss it with anyone in your social circle, therapy might be a good solution. It sounds like maybe you are still living at home, and maybe still in school? If this is the case, you might want to see if your school has a counselor you can speak to (for free) without drawing any unwanted attention from your family or friends.
If not, there are also many free hotlines and even anonymous online support groups you can join that might give you a good place to find some support. This resource page might be a good place to start looking: https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…
And here is more info about self-harm, in case you might find that helpful as well: https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/self-injury-homepage
As someone who didn't speak up about my self-injury for a long time, I completely understand the desire to keep it to yourself. I also know that I know nothing about your family or your beliefs; as such, I can't say whether it would be good for you to speak with them about what you're going through or not. But having *someone* in your corner, even a stranger, can make so much more of a difference than you might think.
At the very least, know that I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace of mind--in your waking life and your sleeping one--soon. Please feel free to keep commenting; I'll be here, answering as often as I can.
Sincerely,
Kim